Dreams are so good, so-so good, and when my head hits the pillow they capture me. Alarm is bad, so-so bad, and when the alarm blares the half-static, half-music noise from its frail speakers I am always so confused what exactly is going on, and from this my reaction is horribly delayed.
8 a.m. off campus aerobics…seemed like a good idea last December, looked cool putting its call number into my WebReg, and has been deal able all semester, that is until about two weeks before finals when the 7a.m. alarm is no other word but evil.
I get up, barely make it down the wooden steps of my bed, hardly avoid the wooden rack my laundry is drying on, and somehow manage to make it to the dingy carpet--barely alive, but breathing. I put on the work out clothes I laid out the night before (I know I’m a dork,) throw my hair into a ponytail, wash my face, eat some cereal, and leave, all the while contemplating the idea of skipping aerobics and not getting out of bed, as I have still not fully realized that I am out of bed.
The air is foggy with a slight chill, but the density of smog is far too heavy for it to be in any way refreshing. I stretch out my legs, careful not to further the injury of my swollen foot, and take off. But this morning, this morning felt different.
I began to think. Alright, think….different? No, I always think, it may very well be the ban of my existence, “the life of the over thinker,” but it was what I was thinking about this morning. I started to think about the end of the year, and began to really examine how God was working in my life.
As the weed whacker made its menacing threat in my direction, and small pieces of grass became stuck in the moisture of my eyes, I thought about what had changed in me. This year had been good, great actually, and God has blessed me in so many ways. I have made two best friends that I could compare to no one, have done well in my classes, not gotten homesick, joined a ministry that I am going to be director of next year, written for the Chimes, done Eaglevision, befriended professors, got the job as the Chimes next year’s Opinions Editor, and meet a handful of people that have touched me so many ways. Most importantly this year has brought me closer to God. But what the funny thing was, when I thought about growing closer to God, I began to seriously think, maybe it’s not just those things that have brought me to God.
Looking back on this year what God has blessed me with is pain. There has been an emptiness, a loneliness, an uncertainty within me, and in these times and in this emotion I have felt God. When I could not stand, God just held me, and though these words to some may sound corny, to me they are true. I came into college with expectations, with dreams, with ideas, and though many things are happening, they are happening God’s way, not mine. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but God does, and it is through the pain and confusion of this year that I have realized the ultimate control God does have. You cannot make someone love you, you cannot make yourself successful, happiness is not your gift to yourself, but in all these things it’s God who works in you; if it is God’s will and you are ready he will unfold your life to you, and if you make his desires your desires, he will give you the desires of your heart.
So maybe I don’t know what the next chapter of my life will look like, or what big change in me God will create next, but in a way that is unexplainable God has worked in me this year, and that to me is an accomplishment in itself.
As the sketchy cars and unattractive headlights hit me in the eyes my run came to a close and I found myself standing in front of aerobics. I leaned on the rubber poll I always leaned on and took in a deep breath, filling my lungs, resting my exercised shocked body. This had been a long run, and thinking about an ending to my freshmen year makes me sad, seeing that I am the kind of person who hates to watch doors close and can’t look back when I say goodbye. But thinking about God… thinking about the changes in me, made me excited. Maybe next year will be painful, maybe my whole life will hurt, but God will drawl me to him through this pain, and it is when I am close to God that I can truly experience what love is.