I've decided that I'm not very good at being "not busy" ... hmmm, well in certain aspects I'm good; here me out:

It is a convicting truth that I define myself far too much based on success. While it is true that we need a job to pay the bills, an education gives you an advantage in the job industry, and accomplishing goals shows a healthy follow through, these things aren't me -- they are not my worth. Point easier understood than accepted.

Unemployment has been a real challenge for me for the very fact that I feel somewhat scattered and aimless without "success" or the "pursuit of success" to help in defining me; for this reason my unemployment has been a blessing in showing me that having a season lacking in accomplishment does not make me a failure. In fact, it makes me healthy because it allows me time and space to discover what things should define me.

I was talking with a friend the other day and she was pointing out how a professor was telling her that we don't always need to fill our time to be successful. This was a weighty matter for me to consider coming from a life where ambition and hard work are essential components to a whole person. While the above values are positive, even highly estimable qualities, a person harboring both those qualities can, and most likely will, have seasons in their lives that seem, or even are in many tangible ways, unsuccessful. Though that hinges on what being unsuccessful is really defined as. Perhaps, the professor was right; actually, I know the professor was right, this time of unemployment, my unstructured days, are in many regards successful. (This is where the part that I'm good at comes in.)

What I AM good at is being productive. Never once during the days of my joblessness have I resorted to TV or a movie (not that doing either would be an altogether bad thing). I spend my time keeping myself occupied and productive doing things, that for the most part, I truly enjoy. Over the past couple weeks I have increased my cooking and baking skills greatly, as well as had the time to feed numorous people. Though I'm not reading as much as I should be (I suppose I feel a tad guilty filling the days with fun reads) I have had time to read a few books, a luxury that I did not have while in school. Then my writing; though I have not been producing the best work over the past few weeks, I have been doing a fair amount of writing, and, if anything, I've enjoyed it. My spare time has allowed me to connect with and serve people in new ways, process ideas that have been floating for months in my head, and get my post college life in order. In many ways, unemployment has been a blessings.

I guess it's going to take a little more than a blog post and a few weeks of unemployment to truly show me that I am not defined in my work. Possibly, as I'm sure is the case for many, this will always be something I struggle with. Still, these past few weeks have shown me God in a new way. This time has been a firsthand experience that has taught me on a deeper level how exclusively my identity lies in my faith and the overflow thereof. It is such a comfort to not simply know this, but to begin to feel it.