Random Thoughts Of The Day (rather mundane thoughts)

1.) I have decided that I like old fashion names.  I just do.  There's a part of me that realizes that these are the common names of women in their mid to late 80's, but I think many of these names are beautiful.  My favorite name, which has been for a couple years now, is Jayne (notice the cool spelling where I incorporated a lovely "y").  Another older name that I like is Louisa.  Ok, maybe you're thinking "The Sound of Music" and pretty soon I'm going to say Bergetta, but no, I'm not going to go that far.  Then there's Karoline (I prefer "k's" to "c's").  And, of course, Emma and Ella are sweet.  

2.) Everyone is always at school and it becomes wearing after awhile.  I miss people and I get sick of my own repeating thoughts.  This makes me really want a vacation, so I can surround myself with people I love, but a vacation is impossible when I work six days a week.

3.) Housework is hard work.  Making nice meals, keeping groceries in the fridge, and cleaning is more challenging than a person might think.  In order to shop economically, it took me an hour and a half to bounce around to different grocery stores today.

4.) I have discovered that I like so many simple things not for the fact that they are simple, but because they open up a world inside of me.  For example, foggy days make me think of a whole expanse of foggy-day-related thoughts, and that, not the fog alone, is what makes the foggy day so exciting.

5.) I run out of my main stream of energy by 4 p.m (so, I do get a second wind after dinner), this makes my new job a challenge, and night Bible studies equally tough.  Sometimes, I wish the whole world would wake up at 5 and go to bed at 8:30 or 9 (don't hate me for saying that).

6.) The time has come to read Anna Karenina.  I've been wanting to read it for years, even started it, but the length intimidates me.  But perhaps Anna can keep me company while everyone else is finishing their education.

7.) People keep telling me I should write a children's book.  I've always been more drawn to intricate novel writing, but maybe writing a children's book would be cool.  My dad let me read this really funny one he found in a cereal box about when businesses started giving away free dinosaurs to kids.  I never have imagined writing such a story, but I suppose it's an option.

8.) Lastly, I have taken to entering online writing competitions.  This may or may not benefit my free time.  Yesterday, I finished my first short story for the Writer's Digest entitled, "Cody."  Hey, competitions seem like a lot less work than the hassle of freelance, so we'll see.

9.) As tough as some things are, I'm really thankful and content in a lot of important things right now.  That's a blessings.

"Dandelions"

Glass clinks, wind blows,

Damp grass, shrinks beneath toes.

Nothing but light, dancing through sound,

Nothing but me facing the ground.

To ants they must seem the tallest of trees;

To grass, they illuminate like snow covered seeds.

Heals and boots they fail to see,

Surely they don't know this is no weed to me.

I grab the blossom, pinch it in the tips of my hand;

A white string of song begins to escape like sand.

Breath it nudges; wishes fly --

This wish of mine sails straight to the sky.

Fill

What do we fill ourselves with?  I have been thinking about this a lot lately, trying to decide how I want to fill my time, especially now that I have more time than I have had in a long while.  Time is a funny concept, in the sense that we can not purchase more of it, or give away huge chunks of it that we don't feel like living through (or even sleeping through) on a particular day.  It just passes, whether we want it to or not.

How I choose to fill my time says a lot about who I am, what I love, what I value, even my opinion on how important time itself is.  About a month ago I had a blank canvas of time, I could have filled it with anything from a job to a trip around the world (so maybe money would not have permitted the latter).  Since then I have steadily created routines, certain weekly things that I want to fill my time with.  Though right now my time is only routinely filled with about a 25 hour/6 day a week work week, a weekly Bible study, and church, my other time seems to be quickly cluttered, or in a positive light, enhanced.  

I throw in that hour run every other day, because it makes me feel good, and aside from the joint smashing effects, it's healthy.  I try to read or write daily because it's something I love and it's a way I can continue to learn and develop thoughts outside of an academic setting.  Then there's job searching, looking for that ideal job is important unless I always want to pursue my current part-time occupation (I'm going to answer that with no, this is not an until retirement career).  Spending time with my girlfriends is important because they help shape me and ground me, and of course it's important to contact my family regularly to stay in touch with them.  Then having a boyfriend takes time, without it how could two people connect and grow in a relationship?  Of course there are the trivial, yet necessary time guzzlers of life, like eating, bathing, sleeping, and the last one I probably invest too much time in, but getting ready -- the head to toe preening ritual that I devote at least an hour to daily.

With all that said, with all that time taken, or rather filled, it doesn't leave much time.  I know I can fill more of my time, I know at this point in my schedule it is possible to be far busier, but are we really suppose to fill every second of our time to the point where we're actually stuffing things into time?  Yesterday I was thinking about volunteering somewhere once a week, and though at this point that it conducive to my time, there is a point where I become guilty of trying to overfill my time.

I guess it works something like this, if I'm relating back to the empty canvas that is: splashing paint all over my canvas with various shapes and pictures is a lot more interesting and fulfilling than a plain white expanse, but too much color, too many crazy shapes and varied pictures, and my canvas starts making everyone who looks at it dizzy -- for good reason, too.

We all have stories; we store them inside ourselves, letting them out when it feels safe or important, but no matter what we do with them we know they're there.  Our stories are our experiences, in more respects than we're comfortable with, and our experiences become so much of us, for better, or worse. 

My grandmother's hands wouldn't be so wrinkled if she had not spent so much time facing them to the sun, drowning them in dishwater, tangibly working through life, but it's in those wrinkles, in that time of joy, and purpose, and strain that life was experienced, that a story unfolded.  Our stories are like this.

They are extended rhythms that have both pleasant and ugly melodies, but they make something beautiful when pieced together.  Sometimes our stories pound in our hearts so heavily we can hardly breathe, other times they quietly rest within, but sooner or later we all want to be heard.  It's antihuman not to be; such a cold and desolate experience is against life's very nature.  So we tell our stories the best way we can, sometimes softening the edges, or sharpening corners, depending on who and how we want to paint our lives.  And sometimes we find someone we trust, a friend that meets us in our deepest parts, and in that connection we really let them in, sometimes cautiously, sometimes vibrantly, all the while hoping they will like it.

Latest Career Move ...

"Latest career move," hardly, but a part-time smattering of a job, yes.  I am the proud (?) employee of Reading Town, a Korean reading tutoring franchise that is conveniently located 10 minutes away.  Though a pay check is far from insight and my hours seem to be more weekend than week heavy, it's a job, and it's a job doing something I love -- reading.  The unfortunate spin is that they are just opening and because of this their cliental is low and my max weekly hours may be in the single digits.  Along with that, the business is only open about 30 hours a week, but if in the chance I eventually worked that many, finances would be golden.  Regardless, it is truly a blessing to have a job -- smattering of a job be it -- while I look for something that is more structured and settle into post college life.

Valentine's Day Tip

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, and because over the course of my college years I have witnessed friends and personal mistakes with "confessions of love" letters, here is a perhaps not "all inclusive" ten point list to follow when ... er, "spilling the beans."

10 Things To Avoid When Confessing Your Romantic Feelings For Someone In A Letter:

1.) It is a common theme that most spend at least six to eight sentences explaining simply why they are writing the letter -- this length of an explanation is highly unnecessary. Unless you think the person you're sending the letter to isn't sharp (which I'm assuming the target of your admiration would not fit under this category), then it is useless to take up that much space explaining your feelings. Try to keep this portion of the letter to a two sentence maximum, and I'm not referring to those sentences that have two to three commas and a semi-colon. Keep it short.

2.) This point is an outpouring of the former; do not exceed one half of a page (a full half) in the length of the letter. If you follow point 1, this shouldn't be a challenge. The key is not to flood your "adoree" with so much emotion and praise before you know if the sentiment is returned.

3.) DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT give them a way out. This is unnecessary. Back to the pivotal point 1, we are assuming they are sharp, and with that being the case they can find their own way out. A written way out only weakens your argument.

4.) Do not bash your intentions with phrases akin to "I hope this doesn't ruin the friendship"; "I hope this isn't awkward"; "This is hard for me to do." Saying such things only make the fears more true. As difficult as it may be, refrain.

5.) Never say: "I know you probably would never like me." This is suicide.

6.) Do not waste space making an excuse for why you decided to write a letter instead of breech the topic in person. Letters can actually be quite romantic; let them believe the letter proclamation was due to romance, not because you didn't have the guts to tell them face to face.

7.) Don't get so caught up in how you feel that you neglect being direct and fail to point them to the next step. If you want to know if they feel the same way, make that question clear and let them know the appropriate way to communicate this to you (instant message, phone, in person, follow-up letter, etc).

8.) A brief anecdote related to when your love began to bloom is appropriate. However, a detailed description that borderline discloses the fact that you have been arguably obsessed with them for the past (fill in number) of years is, and will most likely come across, as creepy. That is unless you are 100% sure your "honey" feels the same, and I'd imagine if you are going to such editorial lengths, this is not the case.

9.) Do not sound too formal, though on the same note do not make it too light. The perfect declaration of love (assuming there is such a thing) will be sober, yet charming. One without the other is problematic.

10.) Perhaps the most monumental of all points: Do not EVER come off as angry at your paramour. An aggressive love proclamation is the worst idea of nearly all ideas. It is in no way their fault that you are THAT tormented. And, if by chance it is significantly their fault, a love letter may not be the conversation you're needing to have. If you happen to be angry at your prospective lover, cool off, think it over, and decide whether you're going to choose to be joyful or agitated over your festering love. If you happen to choose the latter, DO NOT write the letter; just don't.

I've decided that I'm not very good at being "not busy" ... hmmm, well in certain aspects I'm good; here me out:

It is a convicting truth that I define myself far too much based on success. While it is true that we need a job to pay the bills, an education gives you an advantage in the job industry, and accomplishing goals shows a healthy follow through, these things aren't me -- they are not my worth. Point easier understood than accepted.

Unemployment has been a real challenge for me for the very fact that I feel somewhat scattered and aimless without "success" or the "pursuit of success" to help in defining me; for this reason my unemployment has been a blessing in showing me that having a season lacking in accomplishment does not make me a failure. In fact, it makes me healthy because it allows me time and space to discover what things should define me.

I was talking with a friend the other day and she was pointing out how a professor was telling her that we don't always need to fill our time to be successful. This was a weighty matter for me to consider coming from a life where ambition and hard work are essential components to a whole person. While the above values are positive, even highly estimable qualities, a person harboring both those qualities can, and most likely will, have seasons in their lives that seem, or even are in many tangible ways, unsuccessful. Though that hinges on what being unsuccessful is really defined as. Perhaps, the professor was right; actually, I know the professor was right, this time of unemployment, my unstructured days, are in many regards successful. (This is where the part that I'm good at comes in.)

What I AM good at is being productive. Never once during the days of my joblessness have I resorted to TV or a movie (not that doing either would be an altogether bad thing). I spend my time keeping myself occupied and productive doing things, that for the most part, I truly enjoy. Over the past couple weeks I have increased my cooking and baking skills greatly, as well as had the time to feed numorous people. Though I'm not reading as much as I should be (I suppose I feel a tad guilty filling the days with fun reads) I have had time to read a few books, a luxury that I did not have while in school. Then my writing; though I have not been producing the best work over the past few weeks, I have been doing a fair amount of writing, and, if anything, I've enjoyed it. My spare time has allowed me to connect with and serve people in new ways, process ideas that have been floating for months in my head, and get my post college life in order. In many ways, unemployment has been a blessings.

I guess it's going to take a little more than a blog post and a few weeks of unemployment to truly show me that I am not defined in my work. Possibly, as I'm sure is the case for many, this will always be something I struggle with. Still, these past few weeks have shown me God in a new way. This time has been a firsthand experience that has taught me on a deeper level how exclusively my identity lies in my faith and the overflow thereof. It is such a comfort to not simply know this, but to begin to feel it.

Because I have not posted a list in quite some time, and because by now my (few) readers know I'm "list happy," I decided to delight the blogosphere with one:

"12 Random Things That Make Me Feel Alive" (not that I don't normally feel alive, but, you know ...)

1.) Listening to musicals or Frank Sinatra (really any swanky singer from that era).

2.) Having long conversations about hypotheticals, specifically ones that incorporate fictitious characters.

3.) Having company over for dinner.

4.) Wearing shorts after a long, cold winter.

5.) The way it feels when someone you care about feels just the same.

6.) Waking up when it's still dark to travel somewhere you've never been before (coffee is preferably involved in this process).

7.) When really sweet old people talk to you for a long time and grab your hand as though they are reaching for a little bit of your youth.

8.) The last page of a good book.

9.) Writing poetry or stories with no intention of anyone ever reading it, but the faint hope that you might be the "next Emily Dickinson."

10.) Being hugged -- really hugged.

11.) Spontaneously changing plans and going somewhere last minute; this process usually involves some level of scheming.

12.) Running then jumping in the pool -- if this can't wake a person up, I don't know what can.

Tonight I get to go see Phantom of The Opera and I am so excited.  It always takes awhile for excitement to hit me, but when it hits, it comes full force.  With that being said, I have had mild excitement toward seeing the production for the past few weeks, but then at about 11:02 last night -- BAM -- it hit.

The first reason I am excited, is because I am a diehard musical fan (if such a fan can even be deemed "diehard).  If you live with me you would know that I listen to musical soundtracks all the time.  Something about the music is so epic and it makes life feel much more inspiring and grand when listening to it.  Phantom is my third favorite musical (The first is Les Mis, then Fiddler on the Roof).  I think the Phantom is one of the most alluring fictional characters (especially when played be Gerald Butler).  Having seen the musical once in London, read the book, and watched the movie, it's safe to say that I'm geared-up with the plot-line and more than ready for round two.

Secondly, my excitement is spurred from the fact that I get to dress up tonight!  Now normally while I do like dressing up I don't have near enough time to enjoy it to its full extent.  But not tonight.  I made sizable ground in the job hunt today and am leaving a portion of the afternoon dedicated to glamour.  Ok, maybe not quite glamour.

Then lastly (not least), going to Phantom is the long/well-waited fruition of Eric's Christmas present to me.  Even though he is not as diehard a Phantom fan as yours truly, he's braving the performance, and I'm excited I get to go with him.

Did I mention I'm excited?  :-)