The Ant Charmer: a lemon scented death

--Why make poison in pleasing fragrances, it only gives animals poor scent associations

~ I carry a can of Raid strapped to my waist, because that’s what you do when you live in a jungle of ants. It works quite grandly, I simply bust out the ironically lemon scented poison from the side of my hip, and point the can face to face with the little insects.

Killing ants is not always easy, but someone has to do it. I am not going to lie, there have been times (more then one) that the spray has found its way in my eye, nose and yes, even mouth. Not to mention on my legs and feet, though this holds little weight in the situation because when you have Gerty, Pete, Simon and everyone they’ve ever known crawling up your leg at lightening quick speeds the last thing you focus on is where the poison is going. The only skill is simply to make sure the poison is aimed in such a fashion that their glorious ebony structures stiffen, thus falling on a pile of lifeless ant corpses awaiting the broom or dreaded vacuum to whisk them away to their burial of nothing more then common dust.

Now, if you have not quickly noted, I will be hasty to inform you: reader, I do not care for ants. Do not misunderstand me, it is not that I seek in my daily activities to kill the miniature beasts, but if they get in my way it is only natural that I un-strap the can of Raid and complete my duty. As an apartment renter, a cleanly individual and a female (which I feel gives me some stance in the realm of not liking insects) I find it my duty to extinguish the ghastly creatures, or else they’ll keep breading and eating, and quite possibly explode from a people food overdose, and what a way to go? Gluttony is in no way noble, and is certainly not as glorious as Raid.

What I fail to understand are there methods; for creatures so small they are smart you see. Once my turbo finger violently strikes the Raid nozzle they vanish, and yes, some to their grave, but many back into the cracks and corners of the dingy old wall and carpet. And you see, though I am fully aware that their brains are relative to their actual size, I would still assume that they are small enough to not understand their war against us. One would assume?

Furthermore, what if the ants are out to get us? I wouldn’t put it past the buggers to have a divine conspiracy waiting to be unleashed, screaming to be told. I think those massive ant attacks are a foreshadowing of what’s to come. When you look down on your bedroom floor and see what closely resembles dancing coffee, then look again and see a mutiny of ants, this my friends is the beginning, pretty soon their strategies will work and our chemicals will fail. Pretty soon strapping Raid to my side will only be effective on the decoy ants. That’s it: I’m balming this place, because if Raid won’t work, maybe a thick cloud of poison will. Or better yet, I’ll suck it up and fight them, mono y mono—there has to be a way….yeah, moving (don’t worry, I’m out in three weeks.) Until then I have my lemon scented Raid, maybe I should try the Rainforest Breeze scent next time? ~