Even though my room is prone to easily becoming cluttered due to a lack of storage units (dressers, desks, etc.) I have grown to love my space.  It is not so much the room itself, especially since my roommate and I have dramatically different stylistic tastes, and I would rather my windows overlook something more picturesque than La Mirada Blvd; it is more the things in my space.  The books, journals, pictures, bedding, jewelry box all have little stories behind them and make my space more of a home.

I think what it is, is that deep down I'm a "nesting person."  I showed the early signs of this from when I was in the single digits (1-9).  I would always find place to "burrow."  Though it may have been a slightly odd practice, it made me feel safe and I guess in my childish way, domestic.  I remember having this huge field with all this Minor's Lettuce growing about, only I thought it was called "Minor's Lice."  My best friend and I would pile that stuff up for as long as our attention spans would permit, and we'd make a literal nest out of it.  Don't worry, the nest had a key component in our make believe game.

When I'm grown up, because let's face it, I really am not that grown up yet (or don't feel it).  I am going to have a office in my house.  Maybe the day I get my own home office will be the day I officially grow up.  Either way, it's going to be lovely.  Even if it's the size of a closet and overlooks an ugly highway.  I'll find it's closet-like size endearing, and the lights of the highway perhaps in certain moments semi to fully romantic, and it won't be so bad.  You know why?  Because it will be my little nest.  With things ... things that aren't just lame materials, but things that remind me of places and people I love.  I'm looking forward to that time in my life, but until then, I'll remain content with my half of the bedroom.  

It's funny how other people, who never knew you, who aren't even talking about you, who lived long ago, can sometimes describe you better than you can yourself.  This is SO me, and when I saw it, I felt once again that satisfied feeling that I really only get from reading; the satisfied feeling of realizing I'm not that weird: someone, somewhere, long ago felt this too.  So here's the wonderful excerpt: 

"You'll probably have a good many more and worse disappointments than that before you get through life," said Marilla, who honestly thought she was making a comforting speech.  "It seems to me, Anne, that you are never going to outgrow your fashion of setting your heart so on things and then crashing down into despair because you don't get them."

"I know I'm too much inclined that way," agreed Anne ruefully.  "When I think something nice is going to happen I seem to fly right up on the wings of anticipation; and then the first thing I realize I drop down to earth with a thud.  But really, Marilla, the flying part is glorious as long as it lasts ... it's like soaring through a sunset.  I think it almost pays for the thud."

"Well, maybe it does," admitted Marilla.  "Id rather walk calmly along and do without both flying and thud.  But everybody has her own way of living ... I used to think there was only one right way ... but since I've had you and the twins to bring up I don't feel so sure of it." -Anne of Avonlea 

When God closes doors

Have you ever heard the expression, "Like a bull in a china shop"?  It basically means you're awkward.  But I think it means more than that.  A bull in a china shop is really in a fail-fail situation, unless the bull no longer remains true to its bull-like nature, it is going to knock something, if not everything, over.

Lately, I've felt a little like this.  What I mean is, God just keeps closing doors.  And he's not gently closing them, he's pretty much slamming them shut.  For the most part I'm thankful for this, I certainly don't want to invest in something that is not where I'm suppose to be, but in another way, I'm frustrated.  More than that though, I'm tired.  Tired of trying and failing.

There are huge blessings in my life: health, family, friendships, boyfriend, even my living situation, but my time is where it becomes tough.  I have so much of it, and every time I try to find a way to use it, God slams the door.  I've been on countless job interviews, and don't even get call backs, and I tried signing up for a summer class but was shot down because I don't have the prerequisite, yet the level that I do need it completely full.  I work a job that often forgets to pay me (don't worry, I eventually get paid), and barely gives me enough hours to pay my bills ...

Alright, enough venting: I know things will work out.  I am confident God is shutting these doors as a means of protecting me, and that he has another door -- a far better one -- waiting, somewhere around the bend.  Just pray that I can be patient and thankful for what I do have, because let's face it, when we're not in God's will, we are pretty much as unsuccessful as a bull in a china shop.